irreversible

(more…)

ive been contemplating getting tumblr because passing on quotes and photos somehow seems a gazillion times more meaningful than little me forcing words out of my mouth.

how i wish words could flow naturally out of me. is it because i grew up stubborn and secretive? if i could count the number of things i have been berated for, im sure that must top the chart. i learnt not to explain myself to people simply because it misleads them into believing they are entitled to know everything i do. all these useless excuses. any thinking person with an ounce of logic could tell you that maybe i just wasnt born to be a storyteller.

The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them — words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear.

- The Body, Stephen King

to my dearest ones who i wont be seeing for at least a year

let not our farewell grieve thee
for we part only to meet again
though we may be worlds apart
our hearts are tied together :-)

thank you e for your pooh card! (was pretty stunned and touched to see it lying there on my bed while i was preparing to sleep!!)
thank you xw for listening to me rant about everything esp you-know-what
and thank you both of you for helping to collect my mail :-)
our last day together was FAB! if we ever get to meet in sg, we must do it again! let s and d know toooo :-D

thank you l for your message in my notebook! i dont know if you yourself rmr writing it during culture&cogn class but i totally forgot about it until i flipped to the page by chance. it was a stroke of serendipity, a flash of memory, a moment of loss, all at once.
oh gosh im getting teary.
i wish we could have had a proper farewell or that i could be there for your bday, but as it happens… darling, if you ever feel down or unsure or lose faith, i’ll always be there ok. to listen to you or whatever i can do to help. dont even bother about the time difference!

thank you m for the clarinet. wow i must say i was genuinely surprised!

thank you r for being so patient and helpful. i wouldnt have survived my immunizations if you didnt accompany me hah! :-P sorry we couldnt have met before we parted, but im still hoping to see you during term breaks!

thank you sj for everything- im bringing the seaweed with me! hope your ferry trip was comfy heehee looking forward to seeing you around :-)

thank you y for sending me our photos (did you paint the postcard?) enjoy ny for me ;-)

thank you zw for remembering me before you left too. very long since someone was willing to argue with me so enthusiastically hehe. so glad we could have that one last lunch together that we’d always talked abt :-P and of course how could i forget the desserts!!! you helped me find reason to miss japan man

and thank you everybody who i met during these 2 years and just cannot bear to part with me. trust me, the feeling is mutual :-)
in fact, one year will not be a very long time at all, but forgive me if i want it never to end. be happy for me! and wish me luck – i’ll definitely be in need of it.
and hopefully i’ll come back as a changed and more lovable person…

the next time i shall be updating will most probably be a very long time later in a very different environment. i have much to do much to see much to settle in and therefore, will neglect you readers intentionally.

not in mood for prolix prose.

current disposition: weary.

hates waking up early.
hates injections.
hates glaring sun in eyes.

loved and lost beloved scrunchy (r.i.p)

your absence has gone through me
like thread through a needle
everything i do is stitched with its color
-ws mervin

16 strenuous days more to liberty.
51 agonizing days more to flight.

near breakdown.

fear of disappointment.
fear of incomprehension.

insecurities.
inferiorities.
inabilities.

if all else fails, retreat is in place.

WARNING: this entry is not for normal people. Only read it if you think you do not have enough misery in your life.

recently i have been witnessing the rampant use of vicious verbal abuse and emotional blackmail by a bunch of renegades intent on sowing dissension and resentment amongst supporters of a common cause (of which they were once part of, naturally)
it suddenly came across to me that hiding behind the perceived safe facade of internet anonymity (or pseudonymity), people really stoop to certain very reprehensible actions for their own sick pleasures
self-assured as i might sound, i can never imagine myself to be in the same position as them in order to comprehend their motives, so i can only seek to surmise what their warped minds think…
it all boils down to another paradigm of an intolerance of deviation in this society – a need to express their prejudiced dislike for people who simply have contrasting interests from them. not face to face, but a stab in the back when the victim isnt looking.
very honourable fellows.

and even more shockingly, the prevalence of flagrant sexual harassment in this country…
i used to hear much about it but had merely brushed it aside (apparently once too often for my own good, i realise now).
only one single encounter, and it made me feel so ill. even though i do feel more pissed off now with the fact that i had let myself be affected by it in the first place.
maybe because this was not just the usual silly off-colour jokes that leave you aghast at the lack of intellectual maturity, but shamelessly blatant quid pro quo – taking advantage of a person’s privations in exchange for fulfilling one’s own perverted voyeuristic fantasies…

still chills me right to the core whenever i remember that im living on the same planet with such animals.

so, what else is new?

strange but i cant help feeling disgusted and intrigued at the same time (what they call morbid fascination perhaps)
exactly what kind of psyche does one possess to make him/her yearn to inflict pain and suffering on another?
to verify his/her existence?
to flaunt authority and power?
or just for the sadistic thrill?

fellow Earthlings,
we are all at the mercy of nature
and sad to say, but only in the face of adversity and horror do we become noble and heroic (quote unquote Gabriel from Constantine)

and with the exception of those times
it would be difficult to overlook the seemingly permanent presence of conflict and enmity amongst the living

we dont realise how lucky it is to have a life

…precisely because we are living

warped as it sounds
ive always thought that people who aspire to change the world are either total egomaniacs or overly idealistic.

how do we save ourselves from ourselves?
how can we?

unless you are proposing to change YOUR own world,
in order to “make the world a better place”, you must certainly expect a lot from the universe in general, ie. expecting it to revolve around you and your revolutionary ideals

well take it from me
japan is definitely the wrong country to be in if you are trying to change the world, or even learning to trust people, (men in particular).

today in neuropsychology class,
our prof told us about his encounter with Kim Peek, the guy who inspired the movie Rain Man, who suffers from savant syndrome yet possesses an incredible photographic memory

Kim Peek is well-known and well-loved now, despite his disabilities which prevent him from speaking coherently and performing basic motor functions, chiefly because he has been blessed with the mind of a genius

there are only approximately 100 savants worldwide born with talents similar to his.

so what about those unlucky ones with no phenomenal abilities to “compensate” for their defects?
what would they be referred to in present society?
simply “disabled” “crippled” or “invalids”…

in a documentary about his extraordinary life,
Kim Peek said something that made me tear

“you dont have to be handicapped to be different.
we are all different.”

as we witness much aggravation and hostility amongst fellow mankind— a consequence of selfish ethnocentrism,
it has to take an individual with congenital brain damage to recognise that we are all just special and unique in our own way.