irreversible

it should always be this way. it should always be about giving, not about expecting something, anything, back.

There have been a dozen times in the past when I should have liked a particular gentleman. When it would have been convenient, and appropriate, and easy. But no, I had to wait for someone special. Someone who would make my heart feel as if it’s been trampled by elephants, thrown into the Amazon, and eaten by piranhas.

- Love in the Afternoon, Lisa Kleypas

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thank you to the people who remembered, the people who didnt know, even the people who forgot. because all of you are a part of my life, and My Life, as disappointing as it might appear sometimes, is the last thing i would want to change at this moment.

i have no clear recollection of anything that happened before my life in japan. it is as if i only began to live the moment i left my hometown. as if what happened had been too frightening and i had wished those memories away. but i know they used to be there, collecting in the space between my ears, because they surface now and then again when i least expect it and this is the time now to record each individual fragment before age strips me of my cognitive abilities.

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if you’ve dropped by to read something cheery and heartwarming, sorry but im going to disappoint. discontent has always been a far more effective source of literary inspiration for me than happiness. but thats also because ive got a whole lot more of the former going for me than the latter.
i’ve been trying hard to replace that hard bitter cynic in me with something a bit… more positive less depressing. believe me i really am trying. hell, i make it my new year resolution every year to stay positive and tone down on that self-doubt. speaking of which. frightful yes, but 2009 is verily coming to an end in 12 days. so i guess, maybe not this year then. maybe… next year.


these days i find it almost impossible to extricate self from the covers.
tis the season, i tell myself. and the wonky radiator that churns out heat disproportionate to the electricity bill definitely isnt helping. but hey, i cant exactly see myself as the sort to bound excitedly out of bed, pull back the curtains, open the windows, and let the sun shine in! fa la la! anyhow im practising drinking a glass of red wine daily to keep the extremities from turning into popsicles. i hope that one day i’ll be able to actually swallow without wincing (like a true adult), and henceforth sweet oblivion, i shall embrace thee with open arms.


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since ive left the nest…

sometimes i think im only flying forward because looking back seems to imply ive failed in some way or another.




on criminal justice in Singapore, an American peer comments

“How can police officers be allowed to patrol armed, while civilians are forbidden to own any weapons? … that’s ridiculous.”


now i know how LKY felt
i just wish i had the facility with words to express my indignance as well as he probably did

but what i really want to say is

i love you.


and im sorry i left you for another.
i dont know when i will be able to see you again, but i do know that the memories we built together will forever be irreplaceable.
without you, i wouldnt be who i am today.

thank you, Singapore.
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