irreversible

I became a student of my own depressed existence, trying to unthread its causes. What was the root of all this despair? Was it psychological (Mom and Dad’s fault)? Was it just temporal, a “bad time” in my life? (When the divorce ends, will the depression end with it?) Was it genetic? (Melancholy, called by many names, has run through my family for generations, along with its sad bride, Alcoholism.) Was it cultural? (Is this just the fallout of a post-feminist American career girl trying to find balance in an increasingly stressful and alienating urban world?) Was it astrological? (Am I so sad because I’m a thin-skinned Cancer whose major signs are all ruled by unstable Gemini?) Was it artistic? (Don’t creative people always suffer from depression because we’re so supersensitive and special?) Was it evolutionary? (Do I carry in me the residual panic that comes after millenia of my species’ attempting to survive a brutal world?) Was it karmic? (Are all these spasms of grief just the consequences of bad behaviour in previous lifetimes, the last obstacles before liberation?) Was it hormonal? Dietary? Philosophical? Seasonal? Environmental? Was I tapping into a universal yearning for God? Did I have a chemical imbalance? Or did I just need to get laid?

— Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

this was exactly me, aged 17.
(more…)

から自分の国のコトを聞くとなぜかキュンと来ちゃう。

okay. i just need to get this out of my system.

what i had previously hoped to be the end to a perfectly delightful day turned out to be dreadful, after all. (is it just me or do you see a pattern happening here?)

i was very happily reading G. Pullum and minding my own business in campus when i was accosted by two japanese girls who planted themselves on both sides of me in a way that when i had to turn to face one i would be entirely blind to what the other was doing behind my back, literally. i point this out in particular because in the midst of the convo, i had a mini, but alarming, epiphany that people frequently mention their first impression of me as someone meek and compliant. and i immediately turned to pull my bag onto my lap to feel for my wallet.

paranoid, much?

the convo was as intellectually stimulating as say, watching my toenails grow. perhaps i should show a bit more appreciation for their ability to be most unsettingly effusive (eeeeEEE??!!! rEEaaLLYyY??!!! woOWWWW!!!!!!) in responding to every comment i made. it made me feel like some sort of exotic zoo exhibit going on public display for the first time in history.

asking “are your exams over” to start the convo was definitely intrusive. is it just me or is that a question normally directed to a close friend and not a stranger you are seeing for the first time. have i been cooped up in my own world for so long that the basic manners taught to me to inquire if the stranger is available or even interested to talk to you have been obliterated? a simple “excuse me, may i talk to you for a moment?” would have sufficed.

the only logical explanation i can come up with for this situation is that their fascination with foreign specimens have overruled their common sense, as usual.
omg looky look, its a…. Foreigner!! and she’s Alone and Defenceless! rubs hands in glee. i cant wait to find out if she really can breathe through her hair and spouts words from her nose..

i was so dazed and perturbed by the overall encounter that i knew had to vent my frustration on the first familiar face or i wouldnt be able to think straight for the rest of the day. of which the unfortunate victim was b j (to whom im inclined to dedicate a public acknowledgment for lending his ears THANK YOU B J)

i confess i have an incredibly short fuse when i am interrupted while reading (they didnt even let me finish the chapter!) and also an extremely cynical/paranoid nerve in me that forbids me from believing that people are talking to me merely because they are interested in making my acquaintance. it hasnt happened yet, in my experience.

in any case, i vow never to read a book written in the alphabet (which will set off any Foreigner radar) in a public area ever again, save for the library.

not in mood for prolix prose.

current disposition: weary.

hates waking up early.
hates injections.
hates glaring sun in eyes.

loved and lost beloved scrunchy (r.i.p)

your absence has gone through me
like thread through a needle
everything i do is stitched with its color
-ws mervin

16 strenuous days more to liberty.
51 agonizing days more to flight.

near breakdown.

fear of disappointment.
fear of incomprehension.

insecurities.
inferiorities.
inabilities.

if all else fails, retreat is in place.

it gets too difficult to breathe sometimes
in a lonely lonely society
where everyone pretends to know one another

i wonder how many times ive brooded
and given up
and tried to solve it once and for all
and given up

and no matter how many times i face the same problem
i never ever seem to become less susceptible

why do i have to be the one to always remind myself?

i must be to blame
for i never seem to learn
not to listen to what other people say
not to let myself be affected by others
what really matters is how I feel inside
what other people think and what other people say are not important

i get so tired sometimes
dealing with people who never seem to think before they open their mouth

by the way,
saying sorry is pointless
when the harm has already been done…

maybe i am still too naive
maybe i am still idealistic enough to have hope in mankind
to believe that there is no need to be less sensitive when every human can just be more thoughtful…

is there anyone you can think of whose existence is so significant that without them your world would be an unbearable place to live in?

are you really positive?

because…
for you to know this person… it just isnt possible!

All lies.

how can you feel sad?
how can you feel incomplete?
how can you feel any difference if you dont even remember the person if you never ever knew of his/her existence!

it is instinctive for me to question immediately
upon hearing something i dont understand

“why does society forbid relationships between teachers and students?”

“it just is, right?”
“why do you ask?”
“dont think so deep into everything.”

i fear.

if i were to become increasingly apathetic,
conforming to social norms thoughtlessly

why are you asking this question?
this is the standard that society has enforced
you should not be suspicious of it

WHY?
WHY cant I question?
i have the right to dont i.

or am i too ignorant to not know that we are actually living under totalitarianism?

shut up
dont think
dont doubt
dont question
just accept
just be controlled

to put it plainly
we are afraid of being stigmatized if we fail to conform

subservience is officially the “In” thing this century.

welcome to the club
home to beings with no individual thought
houses with noone to answer the door
empty floating shells with no mind and no soul

and because noone could give me anything substantial
i sought a professional opinion.

Why are teacher and student relationships forbidden?
A relationship where the teacher has a moral ascendancy over the student is illegal and immoral because it creates a conflict of interest. Not only does it cloud the judgment of the teacher in being fair and impartial, other students would just be pissed at the student for getting an A for just sleeping with the teacher.

Similarly, why are doctor and patient relationships forbidden?
Due to an inherent power inequality in the doctor-patient relationship, a patient may feel that they cannot afford to reject a doctor’s invitation because it might upset him/her and make the medical relationship strained. Doctors have extremely personal information at their disposal, for eg patient records, exam results etc, and could be used against the patient for hurtful purposes should they refuse to comply with the doctor’s wishes. The potential for abuse in this relationship is too strong.

in short
we should just be thankful for these rules made to prevent the abuse of power from occurring in relationships