irreversible

“Here sits thy husband, in his old accustomed chamber [he wrote], where he used to sit in years gone by, before his soul became acquainted with thine. Here I have written many tales – many that have been burned to ashes- many that doubtless deserved the same fate. This deserves to be called a haunted chamber; for thousands upon thousands of visions have appeared to me in it; and some few of them have become visible to the world.

If even I should have a biographer, he ought to make great mention of this chamber in my memoirs, because so much of my lonely youth was wasted here, and here my mind and character were formed; and here I have been glad and hopeful, and here I have been despondent; and here I sat a long, long time, waiting patiently for the world to know me, and sometimes wondering why it did not know me sooner, or whether it would ever know me at all- at least, till I were in my grave. And sometimes (for I had no wife then to keep my heart warm) it seemed as if I were already in the grave, with only life enough to be chilled and benumbed.

But oftener I was happy- at least, as happy as I then knew how to be, or was aware of the possibility of being. By and bye, the world found me out in my lonely chamber, and called me forth- not, indeed, with a loud roar of acclamation, but rather with a still, small voice; and to my old solitude, till at length a certain Dove was revealed to me, nearer and nearer to the Dove, and opened my bosom to her, and she flitted into it, and closed her wings there- and there she nestles now and forever, keeping my heart warm, and renewing my life with her own.

So now I begin to understand why I was imprisoned so many years in this lonely chamber, and why I could never break through the viewless bolts and bars; for if I had sooner made my escape into the world, I should have grown hard and rough, and been covered with earthly dust, and my heart would have become callous by rude encounters with the multitude; so that I should have been all unfit to shelter a heavenly Dove in my arms. But living in solitude till the fulness of time was come, I still kept the dew of my youth and the freshness of my heart, and had these to offer to my Dove.”

- Nathaniel Hawthorne, in a letter addressed to his fiancée
(emphasis mine)




i want to fall for someone with such purity and unencumbered emotion.

#399 lamb gyros (from greek lady in upenn campus)

warm flour pitas + mystery meat + tzaziki sauce!!

#398 okonomiyaki

deceptively simple to make at home, if i could just get my hands on okonomiyaki sauce in this insane ang moh place. huffs in annoyance.

i met quite a handful of abcs who were born in usa but had parents originally from china, or had moved from china when they were very young. they asked if i could speak chinese, and to my surprise, confessed that they couldnt. even those few who could, didnt know how to read or write the language.

i wonder which is worse- not being able to converse with most of the world in English, or not knowing your own mother tongue and consequently, your own heritage and cultural roots. its equally sad, to learn that those parents didnt make enough effort to ensure that their children retain ties to their heritage.

sometimes when i look back, i realise that this is something i can never thank singapore enough for.

but clearly, our juggling of multiple languages has given us an accent which might be deemed incomprehensible to some at times. which is why ive been motivated to master multiple accents, not because im ashamed of my current style of speech, but because i want to excel at switching from one to another and prove those who discriminate against foreign accents wrong.

it also makes me want to hurl something heavy and life-threatening whenever someone makes the comment “oh you sound so bizarre! is it because you have an accent?” well, so do YOU, dimwit.


/linguistics 101/
1. everyone speaks with an accent. (yes, what most of you americans have is an AMERICAN accent.)
2. theres no such thing as a correct accent. or a wrong one. or neutral. or superior or inferior. accents might be associated with higher prestige but those associations are societal and cultural constructs, and therefore, should be .
3. technically noone speaks the Standard accent, because we all have idiosyncrasies in our idiolects, even if they are very very inconspicuous ones.

certainly a month of interaction would suffice, I had felt initially, to rid me of my irritation with being constantly mispronounced or misunderstood.
but in reality, one does not always get what she wants.

reactions to my self-introductions which I deal with on a daily basis border on either amusing the hell out of me or leaving me speechless.

no, my last name is not young
no, I do not have an english name
neither do I want one just because you cant be bothered to remember the one i have now
no, Im not japanese and do not have japanese ancestors
no, english is not a foreign lang for me
no, speaking mandarin does not necessarily mean I must come from china
neither does that mean singapore is in any way near china
no, I dont think asians look particularly exotic or mysterious but if you are looking for something like that in particular, I’d recommend the zoo.

yes, my first name is actually two words
yes, I can still speak English fairly well even if I don’t speak it in your idea of the native accent
yes, you should probably check the atlas if you obviously find a need to ask where singapore is (you miserable ignorant piece of shit)
yes, singapore is so small you cant even see it on the map
yes, singapore is where they caned an american and he deserved it.
yes yes yes for the 4191079817214329th time, we cant eat chewing gum we are squirming and suffering in pain because we are so emotionally deprived by not being allowed to consume toothpaste-flavoured elastic― happy? do you feel more liberated as a person now?

to my dearest ones who i wont be seeing for at least a year

let not our farewell grieve thee
for we part only to meet again
though we may be worlds apart
our hearts are tied together :-)

thank you e for your pooh card! (was pretty stunned and touched to see it lying there on my bed while i was preparing to sleep!!)
thank you xw for listening to me rant about everything esp you-know-what
and thank you both of you for helping to collect my mail :-)
our last day together was FAB! if we ever get to meet in sg, we must do it again! let s and d know toooo :-D

thank you l for your message in my notebook! i dont know if you yourself rmr writing it during culture&cogn class but i totally forgot about it until i flipped to the page by chance. it was a stroke of serendipity, a flash of memory, a moment of loss, all at once.
oh gosh im getting teary.
i wish we could have had a proper farewell or that i could be there for your bday, but as it happens… darling, if you ever feel down or unsure or lose faith, i’ll always be there ok. to listen to you or whatever i can do to help. dont even bother about the time difference!

thank you m for the clarinet. wow i must say i was genuinely surprised!

thank you r for being so patient and helpful. i wouldnt have survived my immunizations if you didnt accompany me hah! :-P sorry we couldnt have met before we parted, but im still hoping to see you during term breaks!

thank you sj for everything- im bringing the seaweed with me! hope your ferry trip was comfy heehee looking forward to seeing you around :-)

thank you y for sending me our photos (did you paint the postcard?) enjoy ny for me ;-)

thank you zw for remembering me before you left too. very long since someone was willing to argue with me so enthusiastically hehe. so glad we could have that one last lunch together that we’d always talked abt :-P and of course how could i forget the desserts!!! you helped me find reason to miss japan man

and thank you everybody who i met during these 2 years and just cannot bear to part with me. trust me, the feeling is mutual :-)
in fact, one year will not be a very long time at all, but forgive me if i want it never to end. be happy for me! and wish me luck – i’ll definitely be in need of it.
and hopefully i’ll come back as a changed and more lovable person…

the next time i shall be updating will most probably be a very long time later in a very different environment. i have much to do much to see much to settle in and therefore, will neglect you readers intentionally.

okay. i just need to get this out of my system.

what i had previously hoped to be the end to a perfectly delightful day turned out to be dreadful, after all. (is it just me or do you see a pattern happening here?)

i was very happily reading G. Pullum and minding my own business in campus when i was accosted by two japanese girls who planted themselves on both sides of me in a way that when i had to turn to face one i would be entirely blind to what the other was doing behind my back, literally. i point this out in particular because in the midst of the convo, i had a mini, but alarming, epiphany that people frequently mention their first impression of me as someone meek and compliant. and i immediately turned to pull my bag onto my lap to feel for my wallet.

paranoid, much?

the convo was as intellectually stimulating as say, watching my toenails grow. perhaps i should show a bit more appreciation for their ability to be most unsettingly effusive (eeeeEEE??!!! rEEaaLLYyY??!!! woOWWWW!!!!!!) in responding to every comment i made. it made me feel like some sort of exotic zoo exhibit going on public display for the first time in history.

asking “are your exams over” to start the convo was definitely intrusive. is it just me or is that a question normally directed to a close friend and not a stranger you are seeing for the first time. have i been cooped up in my own world for so long that the basic manners taught to me to inquire if the stranger is available or even interested to talk to you have been obliterated? a simple “excuse me, may i talk to you for a moment?” would have sufficed.

the only logical explanation i can come up with for this situation is that their fascination with foreign specimens have overruled their common sense, as usual.
omg looky look, its a…. Foreigner!! and she’s Alone and Defenceless! rubs hands in glee. i cant wait to find out if she really can breathe through her hair and spouts words from her nose..

i was so dazed and perturbed by the overall encounter that i knew had to vent my frustration on the first familiar face or i wouldnt be able to think straight for the rest of the day. of which the unfortunate victim was b j (to whom im inclined to dedicate a public acknowledgment for lending his ears THANK YOU B J)

i confess i have an incredibly short fuse when i am interrupted while reading (they didnt even let me finish the chapter!) and also an extremely cynical/paranoid nerve in me that forbids me from believing that people are talking to me merely because they are interested in making my acquaintance. it hasnt happened yet, in my experience.

in any case, i vow never to read a book written in the alphabet (which will set off any Foreigner radar) in a public area ever again, save for the library.